Devere & Joshua

Devere, 31

Joshua, 5

"Devere is my father’s name. I’m Devere Lamont Hatchet, the second. For some odd reason he didn't want anybody calling me 'Junior.' It wasn't like he was there to talk about it anyway. I’m actually in the process of changing my name, though."

"Growing up without my father, I guess the only thing that really stood out was a violent memory. It was a real violent memory, where he made me feel like I was a man too early. I was 6, 7 years old. It was traumatizing. It had me feel a certain way about being a protector. It was a time my mother was vulnerable and it was my father, so I ain't know what to do.

"My mother was dating the guy she ended up marrying and I guess my father found out. So I'm in the house with my cousins, we chillin'. He comes bustin through the door. He was a police officer. The bathroom was perpendicular to my room so I could stick my head out of my room and see the bathroom. I seen my father run into the bathroom with his gun out and there was just a whole bunch of screaming and yelling. We had wired hangers. My initial instinct was to pick up the wired hanger. I'm not sure if the hanger was already bent or if I bent it but I knew my mother was in danger. I was 6 or 7. I never been in a situation like this. I grew up in one of the roughest projects but I really thought families were supposed to be like Family Matters. So, I had a wire hanger and I knew he had a gun. I knew what guns did. I didn't understand why my father had one, screaming and raging at my mother. I had the hanger, and I think the biggest part of my life was that I froze. Freezing did 2 things. I felt like I let my mother down. Like something could've happened to her. On the other side because I didn't do something, it didn't go off by mistake. And I think that was the most influential moment of my entire life. I learned that life is really a game. You can either do one thing or another or you could do nothing, and sometimes you just gotta' let things play out. Let's say I did hit him or stab him with the hanger. Bang, the gun goes off. I'm hit. My mother's hit. I hate to make it sound like it's a saving grace that I let it happen but it's like, you know, everybody's gonna' go through a period where they just don't know what to do. I could've lived my entire life like Yo, I almost got my mother killed. I could've been kicking myself, guilt tripping. I carried that burden for about 7 years. I was like 16 when I was like, Yo, you think about this, you have nightmares about this. There's absolutely nothing that you could do. It's over with and nothing happened. I'm 31 and I still look back at that day like, that was the first time I ever made a man's decision. Or I was faced with a man's decision and didn't make one."

"When things like that happen you don't really have an answer. You start asking yourself, was it me? Did I do something? All I really had was reflections of how he treated me and my mom. And it was no real concrete answer. We didn't do anything horrifying. After the violent situation my mom had a restraining order on him. But if you have a restraining order on you and you got a kid, you could still go to court and fight for that kid. There was no fight from him, know what I'm saying? The older I got, the more I started to understand the situation on how he could of got around to care about me and not deal with the situation between him and my mother. It started to dawn on me and I got no concrete ansewer other than that he just didn't care. He just didn't care."

"I remember when I just got my heart broken by this girl I was dating for 3 years. I ended up breaking down real bad and my half sister on his side lived close to where I was staying and I went over to her house and I seen him and I was in a vulnerable state. Even though I built up all these ideas about how he didn't care about me and this and that, I was vulnerable at this point. He came in the door and all I could do was hug him. Love is a strange but special bond. People could put you through the mud and if you supposed to love that person it's kinda' tough to not. So we had a relationship for a good 3, 4 months, maybe. It was surreal because I would look at him and I'm not sure if he would catch me or understand why I was looking at him, but I was afraid of him still, like I was a child. It was like, why did you leave? And I can't ask you, even though you sitting right in front of me. I never had the heart to ask."

"I realized that things just get boring for him. I remember this one time. We had this weird relationship 'cause we were just starting to rebuild. We were sitting in the car. He had 2 new kids now. Not sure how old they was, but they were babies. And he was on the phone talking to one of his buddies. Now, mind you, I'm in the passenger seat and he's in the driver seat. He talking on the phone to one of his friends about how his wife is tryna' leave him or whatever but he dont give a shit. 'Fuck them kids,' and, 'I’ll just send they ass the check.' And I'm sitting there like, holy shit. This motherfucker did that to me. I'm sitting in the car and I'm like, 'Yo, you eally don't give a fuck about nothing. All this shit that we was going through, got my heartbroken. We started hanging out with each other, but all of that was fake. You think that doing your part is just paying child support. This was what it was about. Us being able to talk about stuff and ride around and me to adore you. To admire the fact that I have a father. And to me, as a man at 19, 20 years old, that's when I was like, 'You know what, that was a taste of what a father should've been like, but I never had a father. Know what I'm saying?"

"Times before I would be hesitant, like, Who should say something first? Maybe I owe him an apology. Maybe he owes me an apology. I felt that for the longest but now it's like I got my own and I don't get how he could be like that. He never sees my son. Father's day, birthdays, I don't say nothing to him, he don't say nothing to me. One time he sent me a card on the wrong day. Just signed it off. Like, c'mon man. Don't fake give a fuck."

"When I had him it just felt like motivation. It was like, 'Aight, you got a kid now. Don't be like your father. No matter what you do, don't be like your father. That's how I live my life and it's easy, 'cause all you gotta' do is be there. He gives me things to do. Any guy out there like, 'I don't know how to be a dad,' when your kid is in front of you, you'll learn immediately. You'll learn what they want, what they like. How to get them to like other stuff. You'll start to be creative and if you fill your time up with that, it's no longer, how do I be a dad? It's like, Damn, I'm a dad."

"Most of the people I grew up with, we ain't have father figures, but we in our kids lives. We bring our kids to hang out with each other. We go back and forth with each other about our kids, like who's doing a better job. Our fathers never had that opportunity. A lot of times it was their own choosing but they never had that opportunity to sit down with another Black man and their kids. A lot of fathers in our generation are active in our kids' lives. I know dudes fighting tooth and nail to keep their kids. To see their kids. It's crazy, 'cause they predicted that we would be dead or in jail by 25. Most of the dudes that was banging now have kids and work real jobs. And they with the same girl. I'm like shit, we was the generation that was destined to be doomed. They labeled us a rough bunch, but I think that's what motivated us. Everybody saying we wasn't gonna' be shit. Wasn't gonna' take care of our kids. It's like nah, even if my kid turns out bad it's gonna' be 'cause of my doing. It moves me to see us going so hard for our kids. It's a part of our lives that our dads missed that coulda' made their lives better."

"I'm a glass half full kind of person. I took those experiences, but I don't blame anybody. I just gotta' do the opposite of what he did. The time that he didn't take out, I'ma take it out for my son."

"When his mom was pregnant, I was working part time jobs at the movie theater, not making any money like that. She got pregnant with him and it kinda' motivated me 'cause I never wanted to be a father. And it motivated me to go back to school. So, the last 4 or 5 years of his life, I literally been living on the floor. I had studio apartments. I was going from job to job, going to school, whatever I had to do to get the job done, that's what I did. And I mean that legally. I want a lot of people to hear that because there's a way. If you gotta' get yo' ass up and go from Livingston and work a job, and drive all the way to Montclair to coach for 2-3 hours, then go to a job in Paterson, then that's what you gotta' do. It's your responsibility. You can't make it seem like, 'Oh this kid came, so now it destroyed my life.' The kid didn't ask to be here, so you gotta' say 'no' to yourself in order to do what you gotta' do to get it."

"Know that you're gonna' sacrifice. You gotta' hold yourself accountable and you are responsible for this kid, no matter what it is that they need; not something that everybody else got, or something that they're talking about. He's 5 and he maybe has 3 or 4 pairs of Jordan's. I go to Converse. I get him nice clothes but if he says 'Daddy I want the Ninja Turtle sneakers,' I'm not gonna' say, 'No, let's get the Jordan's to show somebody else up."

"I love just knowing that me and him are gonna' experience things together. Knowing that as he's growing up, I'll be growing with him. We have our moments when we just can't stand each other but it's all love. That's part of any healthy relationship. We gon' get mad at each other. He's not gonna' like things that I say to him but I wanna' teach him how to communicate those feelings. Even if you not feeling a person at this moment, you need to let them know. And that's coming from me to him. The person he looks up to. The person he adores. That's how I know it's gonna' stick. I know that I'm building him and that's the best part. Just knowing that I'm doing my best and it's not hurting him. That he's taking to it and he's learning."

"I don't gotta' say shit to him twice, unless he's trying to be an asshole, and I can be an asshole so I respect that about his personality. I want him to try me. I want him to ask questions. I want him to know that he can go the distance with somebody. To not be afraid, 'cause if he lives his life fearful all the time, with a bigger kid, he's just gonna' back down to him. He's gonna' be intimidated. He's starting to grow now, but he used to be small and he would get a lil' feisty when people would call him small. I like that."

"I take my kid to the suburbs to meet and hang out with different kids, just so he can get a taste of who he might be around in the future. In the hood I didn't really see no white kids growing up. From the ages of 7 to like, 18, I didn't know what a young white person looked like. I would only see old white adults. That's crazy. I want my son to know how to interact with different kinds of people. That's gonna' benefit him as far as the work world, 'cause these are the people he's gonna' work with. It's about building those relationships. Building networks. The more people you know, the easier it is for you to make money."

"As a father, I take that shit to the heart. That my son is not gon' be looked at as just another nigger on the street. Not to say that mothers don't pay a part in that, but I think as fathers we need to groom our men and teach them how to talk to people. Talk to women. To treat them with respect and all of that. To tailor them to how this world is molded. It's our job to be responsible for how our men are growing up because opportunities won't just be at their door step."

"He's coming into his own and I'm allowing that. I let him try different things and I let him know I'ma hold your hand for a little bit, then I'ma let you go, but if you fall I'ma catch you. That's what I didn't have as a kid, 'cause no father figure was there. Even when somebody else tried to step in and fill the role, I didn't feel comfortable. That's the biggest lesson that I learned from my father. Do the opposite of what he did and I'll be fine. My son is happy and I'm happy. That's the only thing that makes me happy."

"Hopefully Josh is gonna' be a better dad than I was. I'ma make it as hard as possible though."