Rajan & Savannah
Rajan, 25
Savannah, 1
"My parents were married but they were on drugs, both of them. They split up when I was about 4 or 5. I used to be around my father all the time but he just dipped off and did his thing. He got off drugs, moved, and did his thing. He's an electrical engineer and an international contractor so he be all over. Like, you got money to travel to do what you wanna' do but you're just stuck in your ways. I don't blame him for it 'cause he left to do better but when he dipped, that's when our relationship went down. It become a phone relationship. That was the only definition of a dad for me so that's what I cherished. I looked forward to those phone calls but that's all it was. As I got older, I realized that's not what it means to be a dad."
"For years I didn't see him until my brother got killed. I was 15 when that happened. I didn't even see him when I graduated high school. Only when my brother got killed and when my grandfather died. In 10 years it was only those 2 times I seen him. So, while he wasn't around I was mainly raised by my grandmother."
"My stepfather is the best father figure I could've had. The crazy thing is, he's Spanish, like 100% Puerto Rican. You would never expect that, but he's the best example I had. He's a fireman and he was in the military. He showed me a positive influence that was different from everything else going on so that was a good come up for me. 'Till today he still takes my daughter as his child, so she ain't missing out on a grandparent.
"From my father I learned what not to do. I learned what I wouldn't want my daughter to go through, from my father. My stepfather showed me how to be the grinder. The productivity and what I put out, to the love and care that I have for my daughter. Basically, breaking your back for your child. That's the love that he showed to my sister and me, so that's what I learned from him."
"When I first found out I was having her, I was scared as hell. I was real scared. We wasn't working. We was working, but it was regular jobs. Her mom was working at Ikea and I was working at a hospital, but I wasn't making nothing but like $10, $10.50 an hour. We were still living with our parents, so our main worries were financial. And we was too busy watching everybody struggle with kids, that it scared us... But I was ready. I was ready to sacrifice everything."
"The fear actually turned into strength, man. We both got on our shit. Like, within a year I got an apartment, a car, and I was working for the post office, and her mom got a new car and she started working for the post office as well. But it was the fear that did it. It made us step up and get our shit together."
"I got a lil' me running around, haha. Someone that looks just like me. It's amazing yo. She acts just like me, she looks just like me, and then she does stuff that reminds me of myself. I don't know if I'ma be able to discipline her the way I need to, like, she knows exactly what she doing but when she sees me looking, she just starts smiling and waving and I just laugh. I look at her like, 'Wow, yo that's crazy.' As she gets older I know that's gon' get harder, but she makes me look at life differently."
"I don't want her coming up the way I did. At all. I want her to live a whole different lifestyle, man, like, I want her to live that Nickelodeon lifestyle she watches. That's what I want for her. The shit she see on TV, she deserves to live like that, nah' mean? So, that's how I want her to come up. Differently than me. She don't gotta' be too rough around the edges."
"The best moment I had was when she first got her shots. Oh, man. She put her arms up at me at the doctor's office and she was crying. She put her head down on my shoulder and she was holding onto me and it made me feel like, 'Yo, I gotta' protect her.' That shit damn near made me cry. I'm like, I can't let nothing happen to her 'cause she's vulnerable, nah mean? I really gotta' be a man out here."
"My main fear is that I wouldn't be here for her. Like, getting killed or something. Nowadays, you don't gotta' be no thug or even in the streets. A lot of people that's good people are getting killed over bullshit. Her losing me at a young age like this and she won't remember none of this that I'm doing for her. That's what would kill me the most. That's what I fear the most, man."
"It's scary raising her out here. I want her to be aware of an urban environment but I don't want her to come up with an urban mindset nah' mean? I don't want her to be stuck here thinking it's cool to just live like this because a lot of people who never been out the area don't know how good it is outside of here. If that's all you know, you get stuck into that mind state."
"As I got older and started getting conscious of the enviorment and the world, I realized it's a lot to learn out here, man. I just want her to be aware. If she gon' spend time doing something, I just want her to spend time learning. The more you know, the better you can carry yourself and the better you can look at stuff. I just want her to be aware and happy. That's it. That's what life is about."
"I don't have any regrets at all. Not at all. Shit, she's perfect the way she is. Since the moment we found out we was having her I ain't never not want her, nah' mean? I never wanted to back down. I always wanted to do whatever I had to do to be a father. I didn't feel like I had to or I was forced to do it. I was willing to do it. As long as you willing to do something and it's genuine, then it's easy."